Feeling Inadequate

So what is it? That feeling all of of a sudden that I'm less than, not enough, completely and totally inadequate? I know, I know it's some little creepy thoughts that start surfacing undetected whispering negative thoughts in my head...feels like spiders crawling. That's the way negativity gets me. Creeps up on me and all of a sudden I can't finish that writing assignment that is due on Tuesday or I think that I don't have the right friends or that I'm living in the wrong city, have the wrong job and I'm just completely the wrong person. Basically that attitude is NOT GOD. She is much more compassionate and loving. She reminds me that I'm doing exactly the right thing, that there really is nothing to do but just rest in Her. Ahhh, take a breath.

I'm taking a fiction writing class. Before this I almost exclusively wrote poetry but I decided to take a risk and write fiction. So I'm in a workshop where we read our assignment to the group and they give feedback (criticism) and I am not allowed to respond. The first few weeks were fine. I understood the assignment, I was aceing them, I was having fun. Then the assignments became more challenging. I'm struggling to learn, to grow and I'm facing my fears, showing up at class each week reading even though I know I'm not doing it perfectly, but I tell you hearing criticism each week, week after week slowly begins to eat away at me. I'm thinking where is the love? I started to get real bummed out about it but it's not like me to stew for too long so I wrote to my teacher, basically saying I feel like quitting, maybe this class isnt for me. She wrote me back an unexpectedly long email telling me how well I'm doing, how our school calls these voices the "shit bird" on our shoulder, that I need to keep writing, showing up. You know the little encouragement made me tear up. I need it. I know that about myself. I was criticized and ridiculed so much as a child that I ended losing my mind 7 years ago (thats for another entry) so I've worked hard to overcome my tendency to fall into negativity. I'm my own cheerleader. I don't dwell in the past but sometimes fall prey to it. Those times just show me I'm human and God is still working on me. I'm doing pretty well but sometimes I fall short. I need a little comfort from the outside. I have finally realized that I am not an island unto myself.

The first step in the 12 step groups is powerlessness. I am powerless over the fact that I feel this way right now. My life has become completely unmanageable because I'm pretending that it's not happening. That I just keep my chin up and move on so how come I'm feeling stressed? Want to quit my job? Feel so lonely? Because I am not accepting where I am...once that is done I can reach for help...first place to go?....almighty God. He always has the answers (yes I'm mixing up the gender, God to me is either or he or she). Once I do that I can sit and wait for the answer...what is it God? Clean the bathroom, follow my breath, sit quietly, call a friend, read a psalm? What is it now God? Close my eyes and pray, take a walk, remember your glory, stare at a wall, pick my nose? I never know where he is leading me but he is leading me...

God I offer myself to thee
To do with me what thou wilt
Please relieve me of this bondage of self
So that I may better do thy will
Please take away my difficulties
So that victory over them may bear witness
To those I would help
Of thy power, thy might and thy way of life
May I do thy will always

(3rd step prayer)

Just for today I wallowing in the stew...oh well maybe I'm in good company...maybe I can grab a carrot or a piece of onion in the pot and enjoy the taste...maybe I can keep it simple...just for today....